family

Eventually I will accept myself as a hypocrite. until then, i will have to accept myself otherwise.

today, after my first day of lacrosse i had a great run-in with two field hockey teammates at the lodge. and I remembered a little something about family. I have so many. They might not check in with me everyday or invite me out every night but they care about me. They want me to be happy and do well. So this post goes out to my family, whether in a dorm across the street or in a different state, or even in Peru, you guys mean the world to me. You are my family. And I will sacrifice it all just for you.

cheers,
rach

first day back

im moved in for the most part with the only undecided pieces being what posters i still want up, where i should plug my crap in, how i should organize my dressers/bins/storage units. I'm nervous for tomorrow with lacrosse. I know i'll go out there and try my best but its gonna be hard. My mentality is key and I hae worked so hard to get here. this is the goal. and now i feel like im losing it. i have to remember to fight. So far vibes from the suitemates are fine. Classes, we'll see tomorrow. but 4:15-7 is what i'm most nervous about. there goes my dinner.

hunger

All these kids can't wait to go back, see their friends, have the freedoms that college allows them. I do want to go back, but on my own terms.  I'm not gonna wait for people to say they've missed me, or can't wait to hang out. It's different. I'm different. So for my sake I have to believe that what I'm searching for, or what I'm doing at school is worth it. I think i'm afraid of having fun because I don't know who will actually invite me to hang out. I don't want to be the pity party and yet at the same time I'm sick of being the assertive person, the initiator. Please someone else take initiative. I know it can be scary. I'm searching for my balence. I'm searching for the realms of the circles that my wings will grace.

My list of things I need to bring back vs things I WANT to bring back

A new ipod, for the purposes of a larger capacity
ben & jerrys cookie dough ice cream
supplies for mix cd making and distribution
A winter jacket
Ice skates
gloves
and many more

shit, i have to pack.

so i havent exatly kept up with my resolution...oh well
lately a sense of motivation is just missing, almost like i've reached the "now what" stage. I think it will go away soon, i hope it does.

I hope you know i think about you everyday. 

i think i feel abandoned...

i don't want to go back to college. I don't want to deal with her, and drama, and the fake bullshit. I want her to take SOME FUCKING DAMN INITIATIVE. I want to go back to college. To MY school to MY team to MY life...oh wait I don't have one without her popping up somewhere in it. She makes me feel like a chump. a tool. here's to another day. shit, i think i'm an optimist.

overall my internship has been just what i needed to get my head back into the idea of second semester. I actually like being at home, I feel like i have more freedom here than at school plus I don't have to deal with the drinking and the partying. Even with my healthy living community i feel like an outcast at college.

but at the same instance I'm ready to go back. I'm actually kind of nervous for lacrosse. I know tryouts will be hard but man oh man I can't wait to play. I can't wait to have teammates come  together to become family.

I'm also ready to (re) establish my social life. I can't decide if i should sell my Sammy Adams tickets or not. I know everyone will be talking about it later, but i have no damn interest in going...we'll see how it works out. I'm so pumped for Rocky Votolato on March 20. omfg.

I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I'm still confused about what is truly best for me but no matter what I'm going to keep my head up about it. I love the fact that I'm making more conversation and saying what i think. its the fragile moment that I'm cherishing more and more even if its just a facebook chat and someone calling me incredible.

its late now, and I've been powering through books and the second season of lie to me in my free time. i want to record more.
cheers,
~rach

so this is the new year...

so here's the dealio. My main new years resolution is to write everyday. My other new years resolutions are to stay confident and to meet/get to know more people.

2010 was a big year for me. I learned a lot about myself, about people, about love. And although It'd be amazing if I could learn the same amount in 2011 without the heartache, the sad nights, and those tough days, I know it just wouldn't amount to the same growth.

Even though this is posted on the 2nd, i started it on the first. day 1: mission complete.
So this is the new year...and i don't feel any different (so far)

~rach