1,2,3,4,5,6,7. Seven, Seven Drag Queens

A brief, fond moment: meeting a girl's mother and politely introducing yourself as a friend while knowing you are screwing her daughter.
Note: This moment popped into my head and has nothing to do with any recent events in my life

Recap of June, so far:

Still trying to break out of the lazy spell and attempting to get myself back into shape. Alaska, you're killing me, you wreck all my chances of a July- August gym membership and I fear I will be spending another season wearing knee socks.

I actually coached goalies for my high school, Jr isn't too shabby shes just unfortunately maybe 4'11", and the JV girl is willing to pay me for lessons. I will be the Goalie Whisperer, and this too shall end up in my book. They made it to sectional semi's which is equal to as far as the team has ever gone (they got blown out, when i made it we lost in double OT, I'll never forget that game).

There's a girl. SAY WHAT!? Well, you heard me. I'm choosing not to disclose much more info on the subject due to its potential social potency.

I took a teammate of mine to Boston Pride, she was very excited to go although I need to accompany her due to a fear of riding the T alone. I understand, some gays are very scary. Despite the slight rain it was a very gay event...as it should have been and I was glad to see multiple friends. Good lord there were a lot of drag queens, and a couple did a real disservice to my eyes. I beg of you, if you read this blog, do not wear a speedo.

I've been writing a bit lately (well, no shit). Some music, some poetry, experimenting with some Open D tuning on the guitar and just using it to really mellow me out. It's been amazing try to delve into a bluegrass style lately, can't say I'm doing it not impress someone but worse  things have been done to get attention. Plus some of the tunes ain't half bad.

Guess I've been reading and viewing other media a lot lately. TED talks* have been great bed time stories, I found out the Buddha was a pragmatist (score!), I've battled my family, and lost, at jeopardy.

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray cracked me up
Harmonic Feedback by Tara Kelly gave me some insight into people on the autistic spectrum

That's all I got for now. Big week coming up, I cannot fathom what will truly await me, I just hope I pack everything I need.

*Future blog post on what it is to be wrong

~ Rizzle

And I Lost My Crochet Hook

I can't get into the details cause honestly, there isn't enough room. But, I'll say this much. Being a lesbian is tough, and its only made worse by other lesbians. Thank you.

I spent a great night in new hampshire, had some great conversations with friends, and someone have mercy I've been sitting on my ass. And I lost my crochet hook.

Quake

I'm suffering to disconnect the rhythm of science and reality. Step back from the big picture and say to me that this is what you're meant to be. And your impact is so impressive its detected on the Richter scale because sometimes I want to squeeze down to the tectonic level and shift into a dimension so hot that only my ideas can survive. And they will carry on, and quake beneath your feet and shoot waves to distant continents and effect our place in the galaxy. But how can I do that if I cant disconnect from her to me and the smile that strings the heart bows and dips on a balance beam. I live for those songs where the words have no meaning, just the oohs and ahs and the cries of believing like I've survived the rapture but instead I'm just dreaming and I wake in a gasp, dagger of a breath to my blinking. And turn to the sheets so cold I think I'm steaming. Cause there's nobody next to me I swear there's a hex on me, like the state of the union is addressed to me and I received the message loud and clear. I'm not who I used to be and in fact there's always science in reality.

The Guinea Pig

So after three shots of figuring out what to post I decided that I'll display something I'm personally proud of. This was one of my submissions for my creative writing final. I learned in that class, including things about myself (gasp).

                                                          The Guinea Pig

            Jordan was lying on her half lofted bed, underneath the thinning lemon-lime comforter and I could see the cogs of anxiety turning as she tried to formulate what happened last night and the ensuing argument of today.  The guinea pig shouldn’t be here listening to this. I hope the sound of his rusty wheel blocks out the heartache. Jordan’s cadence was slow and smooth like a river’s distant ripple. It must seem so vivid to her, even under the fog of alcohol and cigar smoke. First pulling at her sleeves of her hemp sweatshirt, her stress traveled to the tips of each finger. I looked to the heavily spackled walls attempting to cover the water stains -they didn’t- and the sole Ranger’s jersey thumb tacked above the guilty pipe. Her eyes were locked on the rubber curtain bending, not blowing, from the fan that been knocked over in celebration hours before. “I didn’t mean for him to see it.” She said.
            I see the tension in her jaw as she begins her side of the story: the adrenaline rush, and the smack of the ocean as she reached it with full force, the embrace of the green striped towel, Hannah’s strong but gentle arms holding it up, just for her. I was suddenly taking on a car-sick feeling for not only hearing the flood of gossip, but for floating a top it.  The things people do to get crush’s attention will never cease to impress me. I know too much.
            Between Hannah and Jordan, they carried each-other; to any outsider they carried a team. Four years of sprinting, of six AM practices, of three hour bus rides to non-conference games, and one moment when they were finally alone. Finally able to shrug the weight of a team off the shoulders, to enlace fingers and walk along the abandoned beach.
            Torrie strides in, stammering over the same joke from Austin Powers for the fourth time. It was a gift of her to break that silence although my eyes had since shifted from the wall downward to Jordan’s shamed face. She carried the weight of the ocean soaked blankets and ragged towels. The notion of the whole school knowing what she really was.

So, What Now? (Part II)

Well my first year of college is over and of course I can say it flew by and that I had a great time and did new things and met new people and all of the conventional bull feces that comes when a young adult is crammed into a place with hundreds of other young adults, often unsupervised. I'm glad it's over. But now I'm bored as hell slowly formulating summer plans.

So here's 8 - 12 of interesting things I learned or became aware of during the fantastic first year.

8. lesbians and their insecurities
9. bus rides
10. the importance of being humble, or at least acting like it
11. the importance of being an asshole
12. making a name for yourself, do something extraordinary, defy stereotypes

8. Its not a choice, but sometimes I wish I liked guys, the simplicity, the competition, the attempt to raise chivalry from the dead. Now one may question why a lesbian would ever want such things, for along with the man can come accidental babies, and with that body parts I don't want to think about. But that's because my lezzy web is deeply insecure. And on the small college campus, your lezzy bizness will eventually reach my ears. And my lezzy bizness has undoubtedly reached others. But lets get to the main point here. Everyone is insecure. And most unfortunately, young adults align themselves into the college construct which they can apply their either appropriate or inappropriate behavior. This affects all. Relationships harshly included.

9. If anyone had asked me a year ago today what i thought of coach buses, or traveling to away games I would have answered something along the lines of: "I'm sick of traveling in a school bus, but at least our farthest away game is an hour". OH MY how the times have changed. I loathe the state of Maine for its existence. Really UNE? Really Farmington? Really St. Joes? Did you all have to be in east bum?? Bus rides can act as bonding time, homework time, psych up time, or nap time. And if you're playing at Regis, than its nostalgia time because you're going there on a school bus, a nice white school bus. And we ran like bats out of hell that game. Yeehaw.
   But the bus can transform into something amazing and I will try not to get to wordy about this, but it is emotional for me, and I could write a good chunk about it. The bus is my tank on my hero's journey home, after the battle is over. It is on the bus where I can finally exhale. My job is done and I await my ride back. It's during the travel time where you can really think. I put my headphones in/on but don't play any music sometimes. I just want to be left to myself. When we reach a certain land marker (I'm keeping it a secret location), I play "Lucky Clover Coin" by Rocky Votolato. It puts me in the mood to go back, to end the day but not the fight. I could cry every time I hear that song. It's about letting go of your problems knowing you got the ones you love beside you. That's my team. That's my school. That's my family.

10. I can be one cocky bitch, really could be. But mama didn't raise me that way and honestly, she's done more than I have. So I have an example to go by and that example also knows when I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm humbled by the fight of everyone around me. I'm humbled by sport, how at the end of the day it might not come down to skills, it's usually heart instead that wins out. I'm humbled by my past. However its these sacrifices that go to my head. Did you really think I played goalie cause I was forced to? No sir (or ma'am). I wanted the honor and the battle scars. I want the trophy, the record, the highlight reel. But this time I want those things at a new level. That's why I hardly talk about my high school accomplishments. Its a new game, new team.

11. My roommate was an unobservant, inconsiderate dick to me. So to pay her back I became a quiet, inconsiderate asshole. Its necessary to stand up for yourself. That's never really been a problem for me, even when I was a more shy and awkward youth (I didn't know I could get less awkward...). I started closing the door except not catching the latch at the end. Knowing our stunning room location dealt with opposing air currents I left that door to slam itself every minute or so. Without a TV in the room I would watch streaming episodes on my laptop, without the constricting headphones. I don't care that you needed to study your stack of 60 Hospitality flash cards. Poor poor girl. It's hard for me to be mean. I'm a just asshole at least. Or am I just and asshole? (I love wordplay too much)

12. I'll sum it up with: be yourself. Now I've set myself up to defy stereotypes, I love it, crave it. It brings me out of my shell, it allows for conversation and then hopefully some form of understanding. Yes I'm a dreadlocked lesbian Jewish left handed goalie, but who isn't? There's something interesting about everyone, even if you can't see your own quirks or pieces of awesomeness, than find new people, branch forth and they will be able to see true beauty inside your glimmering face. I puked a little writing that. But for realisies [it's 3am, can you tell?] take chances and break from your normal hold and mold on life.

There you have it folks.
Much love,

~Rach

the rommate oath

This post was originally going to start with :We won today. we played like a team who shut down. it wasn't pretty. we let the other team get way too many goals on us.

But instead of going all philosophical again I'll give you my back of the hand theme of the week and then go into other far more interesting things.

BOTHTOTW: Give it all your strength, all your power, all your love, give it everything you've got. Remember, what is hard to endure will be sweet to recall.

So far in college, I have come to learn many things of life. But here are some of the more innovative and interesting

1. pooping with a headlamp
2. the camping chair
3. dollar store trail mix
4. the loud roommate
5. survival without a TV
6. the new meaning of sunrise
7. the roommate oath
8. lesbians and thier insecurities
9. bus rides
10. the importance of being humble, or at least acting like it
11. the importance of being an asshole
12. making a name for yourself, do something extraordinary, defy stereotypes

1. Split 3 bathrooms between 12 girls. What happens? They divide into A. I want a big bathroom where I can have everything near me, just like at home. B. I want a smaller bathroom so I don't look like a bitch, but I am one, so I'll have all the extra air fresheners, towels folded, and extra shower curtain installed. And C. The kids who plainly don't give a shit (well maybe they give more shit being the subject of bathrooms). Anyone, I'm designanted to the infested fortress that is the left bathroom. And since the light has gone out I have resorted to my lovely and faithful headlamp. I'll sum it up. I now have to poop in the dark with a headlamp on.

2. I have you to vomit in college due to drinking. I'm proud of that, myself, understanding my limits (considering my limit of 3 Mike's in about 90 min will constitute my speech starting to slur but my grammar is still impecable. You can never tell if im drunk texting you, sadly. Conversational skills I assumed would decrease.
   Anyway, The tuesday of finals week for fall semester was the day after our dining hall's lovely 11pm extra dinner. Where I ate far too much. I woke up at 3am in a controlled panic. Got my camping chair and blanket and proceeded to the bathroom. 8:00am final, up until 5. And no, red peppers do not digest easily.

3. Dollar store trail mix is delicious. However I hate raisins. While on spring break and extrememly board I spent a few of my time separating those wrinkled little bastards into a cup. Worth it.

4. My roommate must be deaf, because when she wakes up, or when her boyfriend has to wake up for ROTC at 5:30, I wake up to. Fuck you sarah. Thanks for a great year.

5. While we're on the topic of my splendid roommate let me share about the TV. It's not in our room anymore. And no april fools day prank could bring it back. The conceited piece of crap, how the hell am I supposed to watch jeopardy in solitude now? No more falling asleep to ESPN or the weather channel or discovery, history, you name it.

6. The sunrise can either be the start of a glorious day, or the end of a well, what ever you wish to call it - night. Recently, I awoke at 5am, on my own free will, for a full day field hockey tournament and caught glimpse of a beautfiul sunrise. When leaving my building, pathetic students struggled back to their beds and wished they never had to wake up.

7. When in doubt, talk it out. Write a roommate oath so that your TV isn't moved and you aren't sexiled when your sister is visiting.

Here's the roommate oath currently for '11-'12

            By living in this room I, _______ agree to hereby follow all of the listed decrees of the roommate oath. The purpose of the oath is to address potentially caustic issues and harmful situations that have befallen countless others. If during the year an unlisted issue arises, it must be agreed upon by all roommate parties to then be amended to the oath.

1)       Thou shall respect thy roommate.

2)     Thou shall not become romantically involved with the roommate

A.)   This includes definitional “hookups”, kissing with the further intentions, making others jealous, uncomfortable, or turned on.

3)      Thou shall not become romantically involved with any of the roommate’s previous OR current hookups.

A.) Full permission must be granted by the second party

B.) Consequences such as social awkwardness should be taken into account

C.) Discretion should still be taken regarding the feelings of all parties involved, which should amount to the least amount of crying.

D.) If crying occurs more than once, then further discussion between roommates must be had, which may or may not include outsider advice.

4)     Thou shall give both verbal notice and symbolic notice when “sexiling” the other.

A.) No sexiling of any type shall occur if the other party’s friends or family is staying the night. That’s disrespectful, and as my Aunt Nancy would say, bullshit.

B.) if necessary to enter despite being warned, the party being sexiled shall give a warning knock of long-short-short-long and then wait till either 1. A reply from the roommate 2. Adequate time has been given, and then they may enter despite any and all awkwardness that can ensue.

5)     Thou shall give fair and adequate warning to the movement of any major or important pieces of furniture

A.) Moving the TV to another room without permission (except during pranks) is grounds for punishment equivalent to a slice of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory.

6)     Thou shall be civil when deciding what to watch on TV. If the two parties cannot reach a decision:

A.) Research shall be taken to see if both shows can be viewed at another time whether or TV, internet, or imagination

B.) If a program cannot be viewed whether time sensitive or not by other means then that program shall be viewed currently

C. If both shows can be viewed at alternative times then a single round of “rock-paper-scissors” shall be played, the winner determining what show will be watched.

7)     Thou shall be sensitive to the volume and genre of music when played aloud (not through headphones)
A.) When live instrumentation is performed, both parties shall remain sensitive to the amateur skills.

8)     Thou shall attempt to keep the room clean, with extra effort afforded before room inspections, social gatherings, and friend and family visitations.
A.)This includes scent of the room and the limiting of “goalie funk”, and turf pieces.
B.) 2-ply toilet paper is necessary, no exceptions.

9)     Thou shall grant “Alone Time” if absolutely necessary
A.) If for phone call purposes, attempt to make it quick, take it into the bathroom, or use the hallway, common room, hall bathroom, someone else’s room, outside, in a car.
      I.) If the phone call occurs while the roommate is asleep, take action immediately

10)    Thou shall not negatively discuss each other’s field hockey performances
A.) Constructive criticism is allowed but should not be mentioned close to bed time
B.) A formidable attempt should be made to keep comments and attitudes positive
C.) If comments are negative they should be aimed at the team’s performance in general or coaching

i edited this post so many times, im sorry im lazy and just now putting it up

April Life Update : its all worth it in the end

let's cut to my birthday. I slipped into a nostalgic frame of mind thinking about how far i have come in the past year. How my birthday last year I was setting a school record for lacrosse and this year it was pouring, how I was up at 8am eating a bagel and cream cheese and how at the end of the day we had lost.

With all of the events of my birthday past me and the realization that i'm 19 (Shit Soco Ameretto Lime now only apply as memories) I want see my friends. I want to hear their stories. I want to share in what I have learned about love, education, and how life in philosophy is amazing.

So let's take it back to basics, at least in slight changes of philosophy, and me revealing wonderful secrets.

1. It's all for something bigger than you
2. It will all be worth it in the end
3. Prove me wrong

1. Being a teammate has given me the opportunity to dedicate to a greater cause. To see results of hard work. To be a friend amongst winning and losing. The unbreakable bond that just by title allows me someone to sit with at any meal. But what you can do for a teammate is something you can do for anyone.

2. What you sacrifice, whether it be by sending a letter, by calling the person who didn't have so great of a day, by just letting someone else know that you miss them. Pay attention. Its the little things that will bring about the most attention. You will be noticed for your deeds and actions. You may not be commended or even respected but understand that it is worth it in the end, to put forth the extra effort. So send the "i miss you" text, and the mix cd, leave a post it note around with a simple laugh. Make some one else's day. It will.

3. I try to go out of my way to do things for others in the great attempt to disprove the myth that teens and people alike are stuck up selfish pricks. Prove me wrong, because there is a small piece of hope that i cling to which tells me good exists among us. I know its true but the conforming mound of college culture blahh disguiseses it easily. Go out of your way to do good and not necessarily well.

Go and experience, make mistakes, beat the odds, and know that no matter what you have me to talk to.

I love you.

Bleacher Seats and the Freezing Heat

The pod is alive and kicking at 12:30 in the morning. I kind of feel like Zach Braff's character in Garden State sitting on the couch buzzed out while the world spirals around him in crazy circles. This is a rare time when all the lights are on, I'm getting tired, and yet I'm thinking about how weird and amazing it is that it is Mid February, and for the first time in a long time I'm happy day-to-day in the winter.

Call me crazy but I think its the lacrosse. When I think of lacrosse I think of spring, the melting snow and the new boughs and buds. The smell of pine and mud. Those are my spring memories. My birthday means waking up early just for a game. It did all through high school, and it will again this year. But I wouldn't have it any other way. So as much as I want that special someone, I know I have my special something(s). Those cannot be taken away from me. They cannot stand me up on a date, or break up with me via cell phone or facebook.

So if you know an athlete, an artist, a dancer, anyone who is performing, go watch them. See their craft. Observe the rawness of their work for all it is. Cheer them. Make them signs. Give them flowers, whatever they  prefer. Personally, just waiting outside the locker room to talk to me is enough. Just knowing you showed up is enough. What I'm trying to say is support. Give them not only a fan section but a drive to get better. Positive energy is overlooked far too often.

I hope I see you in the stands,

Rach

care, seriously.

   I haven't been doing so well at keping this blog up to date. In fact i dont think i even finishd the other piece of that weekend story. But oh well, I still like this more than giving in to tumblr. This weekend was very boring but some interesting things came from it and I didn't really mind that I got ditched cause I didn't put in much of an effort to try and socialize. Lacrosse is taking over my life and I kind of welcome it. Getting to know my teammates and dealing with school work takes up enough hours of the day when I just want to think about food until I pass out. Does that make sense? probably not. I'm reading Dash and Lily's Book of Dares and its a nice break from the lamenting works that I've been assigned. Creative writing class hasn't been to harrowing yet but I know its getting there. I'm still trying to expand my vast circle of friends. And girls. I need to get a grip on that.
  I've also realized something about actions. If I keep the mentality that I have an effect on others, I'll go further out of my way to help them. I want to know people. But I also understand that that's not always fair to me. I'm truly appreciative for the little things that people go out of their way to do. I was boiling water in the common kitchen and walked out of my room a few minutes later. A boy said he took care of it and that my water was all set. I didn't realize that that was probably the nicest task someone had done for me in a while. And how simple was it other than getting off of the couch and turning the burner off. I probably would have done the same thing, out of frustration for the prick who walked away but he was so genuine about it. What an impact. And to think thats all it takes to effect me. People should start doing more nice stuff for others. It could be so simple. I just want to tell a girl she's beautiful. Just to remind her (or him) everyday that at least one person cares.

SO, for the girl with the half cowboy boots, ozzy osbourne sunglasses and nose ring that smiled at me and said hello today: I don't know your name. I hope to ghandi you live in hawthorne. And please, keep making people's days. I hope to pass you soon and if I do I will ask your name.

smile, you're a gem.
Rach

first weekend of the semester...and i punched a cat in the face.

   I woke up by punching a cat in the face. Yes, thats exactly how it sounds. Herman, was cruisin for a bruisin as he went for the kill strike at my neck while I was passed out on a comfy but 2 ft too small couch. But thanks to herman, I was awakened for a beautiful sunrise that lit the sky like an assorted flavored children's yogurt. We dropped jake off at his jazz brunch a few hours later, got dunks and proceeded to take 127 back to EC. Ben asked if I wouldn't mind taking the scenic route. With time on my hands, how could I say no? We'll save my story about jeggings for later. But through these wonderful series of events, I came to the conclusion that this weekend, is what being a young adult is all about. To bend the structure of existence to suit exploration and observation of humanity. I was around the smartest kids while they all smoked and had a few beers. But those conversations and even those moments of silence were always just right.

   I hopped off the icy path way into the arms off a charging young man with floppy red tinged hair. It had been 6 months since i'd seen the only kid I refer to as my boyfriend. Seeing him also meant I had a way to escape my campus with a fury and run for the hills as the rapping beer came for his concert at my school. Our get-away driver's name was Annie, who also happened to have dreads and a smile. The vibe in that volvo made it known that tonight was going to be a good night. We drove the backroads through Beverly. Not the way the school shuttle takes you to drop the kiddies off at the mall but the roads to lead you out, closer to the shore, and closer to some peace.    Once again battling icy walkways, this time in Gloucester, we made our way into a small cafe. I was just overwhelmed with the knowledge that this was less than a half hour away from me. Away from the noise and guise of college life and on the back-streets off the working man's world. Behind the counter was a fresh faced young man with shoulder length golden dreadlocks. He was friendly, on the verge of charming, even with the shop closing in under an hour. We drank our assorted beverages as we tried to kill the time before Jake's show.
   Annie's a beautiful girl. Not just in aesthetics but in how she carries herself, her choice of words, the calmness in her voice. Hippies, got to love 'em. Anyway, we get to the bar, where I'm not carded at the door. Its still a while before the Bingo Fridays (Jake's band) goes on. In fact, they hadn't even set up yet. Annie and one of the bar tenders began to 'hoop as they put it. Just a more elegant and whimsical version of hula-hooping. Annie left, with the Volvo. The Bingo Fridays set up and started playing. I was dipping french fries in my clam chowder having a musical induced ball. The atmosphere for the band wasn't the greatest but for me it was engulfing. So much to take in.
   Fast forward to midnight. Jake finished up his set, broke down. Colin and myself got into Quinn's truck en route to Jake's house.  Quinn was playing a John Butler CD and got to talking about how well he puts together his sound. Ocean came on and as we sped up the crests of Rockport, we became in tune with the breathing waves. A gorgeous moment in a star filled night and no voices were heard.
   We ended up in Jake's driveway for an hour and a half while Jake's car got stuck at the bottom of an icy hill in West Gloucester. After drinking, smoking conversing, we watched TV picked by Julie- Jersey Shore. Bad Choice. but hilarious to watch with this group. At 4am we called it a night. But that was not the end to one of the best weekends I've had at school.

family

Eventually I will accept myself as a hypocrite. until then, i will have to accept myself otherwise.

today, after my first day of lacrosse i had a great run-in with two field hockey teammates at the lodge. and I remembered a little something about family. I have so many. They might not check in with me everyday or invite me out every night but they care about me. They want me to be happy and do well. So this post goes out to my family, whether in a dorm across the street or in a different state, or even in Peru, you guys mean the world to me. You are my family. And I will sacrifice it all just for you.

cheers,
rach

first day back

im moved in for the most part with the only undecided pieces being what posters i still want up, where i should plug my crap in, how i should organize my dressers/bins/storage units. I'm nervous for tomorrow with lacrosse. I know i'll go out there and try my best but its gonna be hard. My mentality is key and I hae worked so hard to get here. this is the goal. and now i feel like im losing it. i have to remember to fight. So far vibes from the suitemates are fine. Classes, we'll see tomorrow. but 4:15-7 is what i'm most nervous about. there goes my dinner.

hunger

All these kids can't wait to go back, see their friends, have the freedoms that college allows them. I do want to go back, but on my own terms.  I'm not gonna wait for people to say they've missed me, or can't wait to hang out. It's different. I'm different. So for my sake I have to believe that what I'm searching for, or what I'm doing at school is worth it. I think i'm afraid of having fun because I don't know who will actually invite me to hang out. I don't want to be the pity party and yet at the same time I'm sick of being the assertive person, the initiator. Please someone else take initiative. I know it can be scary. I'm searching for my balence. I'm searching for the realms of the circles that my wings will grace.

My list of things I need to bring back vs things I WANT to bring back

A new ipod, for the purposes of a larger capacity
ben & jerrys cookie dough ice cream
supplies for mix cd making and distribution
A winter jacket
Ice skates
gloves
and many more

shit, i have to pack.

so i havent exatly kept up with my resolution...oh well
lately a sense of motivation is just missing, almost like i've reached the "now what" stage. I think it will go away soon, i hope it does.

I hope you know i think about you everyday. 

i think i feel abandoned...

i don't want to go back to college. I don't want to deal with her, and drama, and the fake bullshit. I want her to take SOME FUCKING DAMN INITIATIVE. I want to go back to college. To MY school to MY team to MY life...oh wait I don't have one without her popping up somewhere in it. She makes me feel like a chump. a tool. here's to another day. shit, i think i'm an optimist.

overall my internship has been just what i needed to get my head back into the idea of second semester. I actually like being at home, I feel like i have more freedom here than at school plus I don't have to deal with the drinking and the partying. Even with my healthy living community i feel like an outcast at college.

but at the same instance I'm ready to go back. I'm actually kind of nervous for lacrosse. I know tryouts will be hard but man oh man I can't wait to play. I can't wait to have teammates come  together to become family.

I'm also ready to (re) establish my social life. I can't decide if i should sell my Sammy Adams tickets or not. I know everyone will be talking about it later, but i have no damn interest in going...we'll see how it works out. I'm so pumped for Rocky Votolato on March 20. omfg.

I'm proud of myself for getting this far. I'm still confused about what is truly best for me but no matter what I'm going to keep my head up about it. I love the fact that I'm making more conversation and saying what i think. its the fragile moment that I'm cherishing more and more even if its just a facebook chat and someone calling me incredible.

its late now, and I've been powering through books and the second season of lie to me in my free time. i want to record more.
cheers,
~rach

so this is the new year...

so here's the dealio. My main new years resolution is to write everyday. My other new years resolutions are to stay confident and to meet/get to know more people.

2010 was a big year for me. I learned a lot about myself, about people, about love. And although It'd be amazing if I could learn the same amount in 2011 without the heartache, the sad nights, and those tough days, I know it just wouldn't amount to the same growth.

Even though this is posted on the 2nd, i started it on the first. day 1: mission complete.
So this is the new year...and i don't feel any different (so far)

~rach